Shine On You (actually quite) Crazy Diamond

By Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

I’ve been thinking and talking with clients this week about connection and the importance of developing a tribe of people to get our needs met. For heterosexual men in particular, this is a huge challenge in our society and the lack of it impairs both their own quality of life and the lives of their partners. It’s a challenge because men are raised to compete with each other and to rank themselves hierarchically in regards to desirable and undesirable traits: intelligence, athleticism, attractiveness, charisma, awkwardness, clumsiness, etc…

When people are in competition mode the primary directive is to win and not be weak. This doesn’t lend itself to vulnerable disclosures of self doubt and the reassurance that everyone feels—and is—lacking in some important areas at some times.

Without certain knowledge that the pain of personal weakness is universal, that this very experience leads back to our humanity and (hopefully) the chance to be compassionate, men are cut off from connecting these dots, resulting in their being just a wee bit socially retarded less conscious when compared to women.

Where does male vulnerability go?  It is buried under shame, obscured by addiction, hidden behind unrealistic expectations to find a partner who makes them feel powerful and right all the time. It comes out as anger, blame, inability to apologize, conflict avoidance, contemptuous communication during conflict, and passive aggressive acts towards their partners.

It’s funny because where men are in terms of relationship naiveté is roughly equal to where women are in terms of employment naiveté: because we ladies are more recent arrivals in the world of careers, many women suffer from paralyzing and unrealistic expectation that they can and should find work that is important, well paid, emotionally rewarding, free-time respecting, and that anything less than luminous employment perfection represents a failure on their part to choose well.

I’m suggesting women should learn from men in terms of careers, and men should learn from women in terms of connections. Women have multiple friends and so can choose who to do what with. We don’t expect our intellectual friend to help us hang wall paper.  We don’t expect our athlete friend to join us on a ten day Vipassana meditation retreat. And we don’t expect our men to fit our every facet of interest because that would be ridiculous. Meanwhile, men take jobs expecting to enjoy some aspects of their work and hate others, to get paid and go home and have hobbies in order to have fun.

You are a diamond—multifaceted and incalculably precious. Don’t expect any one person or job to shine light into the whole of you.

 

Spooked to Serene

 

By Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

I’ve been reading a good deal about the direction our current administration appears to be headed and major concerns folks have regarding its anticipated impact on the environment, immigrants, women, families in poverty, and people of color…basically every vulnerable human and carbon on the planet. The response to all of this unknown worry varies from productive to preposterous.  People have mentioned stockpiling gasoline and bullets ala The Walking Dead.

It’s easy to get caught up in dire predictions. The generalized and pervasive feelings of fear, powerlessness and anger so many of us feel create a breathless anticipation of disaster. Many are now living in a shared cultural trauma, similar to the aftermath of the 9-11 attacks when people around the country were terrified that they would be the next target of terrorist attacks. Friends of mine who work and hang out with immigrants and refugees report that men who used to play soccer are no longer showing up at the park, that families who used to use the library are too frightened to check out books. There is cause for concern. Agreements to slow the pace of environmental destruction are being overturned. Meals on Wheels, a program which allows low income seniors to age in place is at risk of losing all federal funding. PBS, long considered free preschool for the public, is also on the chopping block. (Check out this cheeky call for funding: http://whatstrending.com/video/23876-elmo-gets-fired)

It’s an uncertain time. And yet, we become less effective as humans: less empathic, less articulate, less focused when we fall into fear and hysteria. The human race is a story of struggle and survival. We impressive humans have harnessed fire, created agricultural surplus, made music and art, discovered penicillin, built machines that fly and drive, invented solar power grids and the internet. We are AMAZING creatures. And by many measures—current political administration aside—things are getting easier: we mostly no longer starve to death in developed countries. The national homicide rate has fallen 51% since 1991, per the Bookings Institute. According to the Guttmacher institute, 90% of sexually active women in the United States at risk of unintended pregnancy are using birth control. The Journal of Blacks in Higher Education reports that nearly 4.6 million African Americans now hold college degrees, as compared with just ten thousand in the 1920’s.

Staying calm and reminding our freaked out brains that the world is not about to come to a crashing halt allows us to maintain perspective and make contingency and response plans. And that makes us more effective humans. There is cause for celebration and unity. Even across the political/economic/gender/educational divide we have more in common than separate: we are all trying to make sense of the world around us—even if we come to different conclusions about what it all means and how to respond, we all spring from families who pass along good and bad ideas in the process of raising us, we all love our children and want them to grow up healthy, smart and capable. We all thrill to the sight of spring flowers bursting out of the ground. Almost everyone wants to do the right thing, to be proud of ourselves. None of us have all the answers and none of us are done growing into our best selves.

Working towards change while remaining grounded in connection allows us to better deal with this world we live in. It allows us to be at peace with (or at least grudging acceptance of) the time/energy/money we have available to contribute. Maintaining our sense of calm and connectedness makes better individuals while we try to make the world better for all.

I’m a Groupie

Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

I am a total groupie.  Not for musicians though—fame oriented people bore me. No I am a groupie for groups.  I am in a women’s group, a writing group, a meditation group, two professional consultation groups, and a book group.  This (among perhaps a million other things) makes me a bit of a weirdo, but as a result I have a deep appreciation for and understanding of group dynamics.

This weekend was group-a-rific. My writing group and my meditation group met, and in between I attended a movement workshop specifically for therapists. The workshop was a one-time group filled mostly with lovely, open-hearted women and men. There was just one woman there with a sour look on her face who I immediately felt myself recoil from. I work hard not to indulge the desire to judge people on first impressions (what if she had had a stroke or a facial tic or her dog just died or she was just having a really tough time?) so I made a point of smiling at her and introducing myself.  She barely grunted back to me.  My feelings were hurt. I reminded myself that not everyone needs to be friendly to be interesting or contribute to the world.  I took a seat far across the room from her.

At the end of the workshop everyone went around the circle, checking in. One man shared that during his meditation time he thought about the fact that Donald Trump is a human being.  This was a welcome reminder in a room full of liberals who were all freaking out about the implications of this particular president.  We smiled and nodded, except for the sour-faced woman who barked out, “Can we not talk about politics?” People looked away and fell silent. One person quietly said, “it’s not exactly political—“ and the woman loudly cut her off, “Well it’s hurting ME.” Silence reigned. The group disbanded. The expansive feelings of gratitude for the support we had just received turned into something more complicated, more deflated.

To be a good group member you have to have two opposite and equal orientations: one is for the good of the group and the other is towards meeting your own needs. People who only orient towards themselves come across as rude and selfish. People who only orient towards the group won’t enjoy them because group participation will be work without reward.

I’m starting up an Anxiety support group in March. It will meet at noon on the first and third Friday of the month and we will explore this magical mix of meeting our own needs while also serving the well being of the group.  We will create a safe space to talk about anxiety and ways to comfort and manage it. We will cheer each other on and get to know one another.  We will learn empirically validated techniques and exercises to decrease baseline anxiety and to deal with specific anxiety triggers. If you are interested please call me for an intake appointment at 206 375-7690.

Choice Solves Chaos

By Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

The holiday season is upon us. I haven’t even finished shopping or inviting guests over and I’m already fatigued. I have social engagements for five out of seven evenings this week.  I’m also trying to bake a vat of coconut maple granola to give away.

Between going out for dinner with friends, dragging my kids to wholesome seasonal activities that they grudgingly tolerate, and generally attempting to trip the light fantastic, I will be sucking down a nontrivial amount of caffeine to counterbalance the exhaustion of social overstimulation.  Technically I don’t have to socialize like a Hollywood coke fiend or bring the kids to hear a sixteenth century Viennese Pianoforte, see zoo lights and visit downtown for the gingerbread house display. I want to do all these things.

A friend once told me about a little known category called an “ambivert” which is a person with equal extroverted and introverted traits.  That pretty much sums me up, as well as a lot of folks I know. On vacations, my favorite part is hanging out at the hotel room with my sweetie, a book and a cup of tea after sightseeing and before dinner.  I wouldn’t want to spend the whole day cooped up inside, but the counterbalance of explore-retreat lends adventure a cozy perfection.

Here I am in middle age and I still haven’t figured out the whole-life pacing thing, but I am starting to understand my need for variety and balance.  In my work as a therapist I’ve noticed that we course correct all the time. Work too much and you miss your kids. Work too little and you lose your sense of contribution. Exercise too much and you get obsessed and become rather boring company. Exercise too little and you become lethargic (and rather boring as well.)

Mental health is noticing when and where we are out of balance, and to GENTLY bringing ourselves back in alignment with our obligations, energy, and interests.  Gently means not talking meanly to ourselves, while still being honest and affirming choice. In truth, have too many plans this week, but I still have choices: I can enjoy it or just deal with it or I can cancel/reschedule/leave early. When we assert choice (I want to do all these things) we are less likely to fall into resentment, irritability or self pity.

Now I have to go. The granola baking/gift wrapping/hair curling requirements of this evening’s festivities hum an urgent tune.

 

 

 

Seasonal Sanity

Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

Goodbye Sunglasses!

The trees outside my office are turning to flame and every day I’m scooping tracked-in maple leaves off the kitchen and living room floors (dog doors are a wonderful opportunity for clean freaks to practice surrender).  It’s autumn, a time for homemade soup and hot baths and hanging twinkle lights against the darkness.  After nineteen years in Seattle, I’m finally getting the hang of coping with the long, wet winters here.  Here are my top seven tips for maintaining mental health over the fall and winter:

First of all, you gotta do something seasonal. Tacky Halloween décor is awesome. Ditto going to haunted houses or whatever autumnal offerings float your boat. Not into the whole Halloween thing? Throw a party or go see some live theatre.

Second, nourish yourself with food that is warm, creamy, salty and substantial. Our lizard brain needs reassurance that we will survive the coming winter and nothing says “I am safe from starvation” to the lizard brain like salted fat.

Third get swept up in a story. When the days are dark and cold it is delightful to travel in our imagination. This is a great time to read novels, watch a show or a movie.

Forth, have at least one warm and beautiful jacket and a seriously comfy pair of house slippers. Spend some money so that you have a delicious tactile experience every day.

Fifth, remember that creativity ignites your inner sunlight. Take a workshop or a class to learn how to make something, or pull out creative supplies you already have and spend a weekend afternoon playing with them.

Six: Do something for someone else. Look around you. There are needs everywhere and if you have a time or talent, share. Look for a non-profit addressing a problem you care about and volunteer. This is the fastest acting, side-effect-free antidepressant not on the market. Sorry Pfizer!

Seven: Exercise. It makes endorphins and keeps us healthy. We Americans are a fat lot because we love to eat and hate to move. This is especially problematic when the outside world is about as inviting as a bed of nails. If you don’t already have an exercise routine, make a sustainable, incremental plan to increase your movement. If you already do, switch things up by trying out a new class or dance or type of movement.

Lifestyle adjustments are not always enough. If you are doing all you can to take care of yourself and still suffering from depression and/or anxiety, get professional help. But here’s the other thing you should know: professional help will not be enough without positive lifestyle choices.  For instance, psychotropic medications (antidepressants for example) work as standalone treatments only 20% of the time.

I wish you all a happy fall!

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

By Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

Your Relationship Shouldn’t Feel Like a Wrestling Match

Certain life skills are baffling to many people.  How to keep a tidy home or cook a reasonable meatloaf or pick a flattering dress are all skills that come with practice and by practice I mean screwing up.  This is all well and good and in some ways the only justice in aging: we’re not as hot as we used to be, but we’re a heck of a lot more sensible and competent.  Twenty-somethings dinner parties suck, while fifty-somethings dinner parties are delicious AND interesting.

There are certain areas where screwing up costs a lot more emotional coin than a lousy diner or an ugly dress.  I’m talking about intimate relationships and the discernment it takes to decide whether to stay and invest or sever and heal. Most of us were never taught how to assess the quality of our love relationships and that makes it hard to decide when things are bad enough to leave.

Without a functional paradigm to make this assessment, we may find ourselves bouncing between distress and hope when our relationship is troubled, telling ourselves “maybe it will work” and “I hope it will work” and “I just don’t want to start all over again.”  Many good-hearted people with a lot to offer (as in folks who can find love again) will stay in preoccupying and damaging connections due to two factors of human nature: our universal reluctance to change and our universal fear of being alone.

Here’s how emotional attachments are supposed to work: we meet someone we feel a natural affinity for. They have enough qualities in common with us that we easily connect to them, and enough qualities different from us that they are interesting. We spend time getting to know them before becoming physically involved.  Why delay jumping into bed?  Not because our grandmothers would disapprove, but because good sex is so captivating—our very cellular biology is interested in the perpetuation of the species and doesn’t give a hoot about compatibility– that if we are having it we won’t pay attention to major incompatibility markers.

A healthy connection progresses over time from purely delightful to durable and real.  Along the way it loses some of its magic sparkle (wah!) but develops into a deeper and richer thing of mutual understanding and enjoyment, comfort, a shared history and vision for the future, and a sense of safety. There is conflict (always!) and it is managed in a way that allows both parties to tell their truth, to listen and learn from one another, and maintain their own dignity.  The most vital overriding emotion of a good relationship is mutual gratitude. Gratitude happens naturally when both parties value the connection, feel seen and loved by one another and know that the other doesn’t have to, but chooses to be there.

The opposite of gratitude is contempt. Contempt is the active expression of disrespect and stems from feelings of superiority and judgment (secretly the contemptuous party actually feels bad about him or herself but that’s for their therapist to deal with and not something their romantic partner can repair).

Contempt is a subtle but poisonous emotion.  It manifests in scornful communication, eye rolling, rejecting or disregarding reasonable requests, avoiding contact, saying cruel things, private rage and public politeness, and withholding information about why one is upset.  No one is contemptuous all the time and this makes things even more confusing.  A contemptuous partner is a Jekyll and Hyde routine and you never know who is going to show up.

If you are in a relationship with someone who treats you contemptuously, first check yourself: are you showing up respectfully?  Are you making requests and not demands? Contempt can be a (lousy) defensive strategy by people feeling attacked and judged. If you are communicating with respect and being met with contempt, ask your partner to get help.  If they are unwilling, ask yourself if you can tolerate living the rest of your life giving in to a bully while biting your tongue or enduring explosive conflict to stand up for yourself.

Intimate relationships require daily collaboration and decision making between two different people with separate agendas and experiences, differing skills and deficits, therefore relationships will always have problems to solve.  Conflicts arise from two people rubbing together through time and space and sometimes rubbing each other the wrong way.

If those inevitable conflicts can’t be discussed and solved in a manner that honors both parties’ legitimate human needs for dignity, that’s a good reason to go.

Repairing Trust: Why and How

by Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

At birth our developmental “job” is to receive love and care. This systematically builds our capacity to trust on three levels:  first with our caretaker (the immediate, intimate relationship), then our environment (the larger world), and finally ourselves.  With this trust-skin in place we can show up in the world with discernment of who to trust and who to avoid, and confidence that we are worthy of receiving love.  Just like a good immune system, a healthy trust-skin allows us to protect ourselves when our emotional or physical safety is jeopardized.

A former client came in recently to show me her beautiful new baby. It was awesome to see the way she attended to her child, anticipating her needs, offering help but not interfering with the baby’s exploration.  Her baby was calm, curious and joyful. This child was getting her needs met and felt pure trust in her mother as well as the world around her.

Of course none of us received or can possibly provide perfect care all the time, so we all bear some wounds in our trust-skin. The size of our wounds varies due to family circumstances as well as individual temperament and mitigating influences. Children born to parents with addiction, depression, anxiety, abuse, poverty, and discrimination have caretakers only partially available. Imagine watching a toddler only half the time.

A child who grows up without a trustworthy caretaker and safe environment becomes an adult who cannot trust themselves. Mistrust of others is a healthy adaptation in a physically or emotionally dangerous environment.  But without repair, adaptation becomes mutation. The neglected or abused child might become the adult who shields themselves in isolation and cynicism in order to avoid the pain of relationship disappointments. They may become rigid and judgmental, striving to control people and situations around them so that they feel safe.  They may lack interpersonal boundaries and accept or perpetrate abuse.  They may compulsively people-please, taking care of the needs of everyone within a mile radius in order to feel likable.

These painful adaptations do not have to be life sentences. Our trust-skin is formed, damaged and repaired through the magic of relationships. Healing damaged trust happens naturally in stable and long term relationships where we feel safe, deeply known, and valued.  The best form of this is a healthy love relationship with a partner who can express their own as well as accept their beloved’s full range emotions (love/anger/sorrow/fear/joy/curiosity/etc.) without alarm or rejection.  Honestly, this is rarely seen. Typically women are emotional virtuosos able to indentify, describe and express emotions while men treat emotions like Shaggy and Scooby Do entering a dark cave: with mortal terror.  But men need repair of their trust-skin as much as, if not more than women.

And these generalities are not limited to heterosexual couples.  Gay and lesbian couples have the exact same patterns, with one party typically being more emotionally expressive and relationally oriented and the other being more emotion-avoidant.

Providing the safety to heal our trust-skin requires both members to value their connection above the familiarity of emotional withdrawal, above being better-than and above the moment’s convenience.

How do we value connection over the moment’s convenience? It means you stop playing on your computer or reading your book or watching your show when someone you love is talking to you. It means eye contact, listening, asking clarifying questions, responding thoughtfully and affirming your partner/child/best friend.  It means asking for time and space to meet your own needs so that you do not show up for your loved one filled with resentment.

Therapy is a venue for this type of repair as well. In therapy you are attended to in a safe, stable and predictable fashion by a person whose agenda is your wellbeing.  There are no distractions and the time is limited so the experience of being solely focused on is not too overwhelming.

People in therapy are then able to bring the experience of finally feeling valued into their larger life as a functional set of expectations for how they treat and are treated by those around them.

It’s never too late. We are never too old. And we are–every single of us–worth the work it takes to heal.

Put This On Your “Don’t Do” List

By Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

In honor of Mother’s Day I’m writing about a psycho thing that ladies do that simultaneously disappoints/infuriates us and terrifies our family members. Sounds charming, right? It happens around holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. It comes from giving too much throughout the year and then racking up a serious emotional deficit that can only be paid off by a grand, perfect gesture.

Ever know exactly what you want from someone—a specific gift, a hug, a declaration of love, an apology—but you don’t tell them because somehow it would seem less genuine if they did it in response to your request?  Bull Spit! You my dear, are prideful. And what’re more, you don’t want to lower yourself to the position of being a mere mortal who has to use that thing in their face that makes noise to explain what you want. Because that would require admitting to yourself that your own needs/perspectives/agendas are not the only ones and thus, also not the most obvious One True Right ones in the world.

This behavior sets every single person around you up for failure. It’s like asking someone else to tell you when you are hungry. They. Don’t. Know.

There is a reason the ancient Greeks considered Hubris—making oneself equal to the Gods—a mortal sin. You are awesome, unique and have fabulous taste in self-help blogs (obviously!). But sweetie, you ain’t God. And just because something is dead obvious to you doesn’t make it obvious to anyone else. And especially if it’s not obvious to the people you are closest to, you have two choices: one is to wait for them to figure it out. Civilizations could rise and fall. Homeo-Sapiens could evolve into sleek titanium robots. You could become a bitter and cynical person. Or…you could just go ahead and name your need.

This week for Mother’s Day I bought myself a B.A.W.C. (Big Ass Wind Chime), the kind I have wanted for years. I presented it to my kids to wrap. They will wrap it themselves, which is to say it will look like a hastily buried murder victim when they give it to me on Sunday. In addition I have requested a hand drawn picture from each boy. As evidenced by the photo above, the art gene has skipped an entire generation. But a handmade picture from each of my sons thrills me. So I’m getting exactly what I want for Mother’s Day. Because instead of hinting, I named my need. Put “Dimly Expressed But Strongly Held Expectations” on your do-not-do list. Now it’s your turn mamas: what will you be asking/purchasing for yourself this weekend?

 

Deserving Good

Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

I’m starting an adult anxiety support group in March.  It’s going to be good. Details are here: SeattleAnxietySupportGroup.com

Therapy practice offers a daily meditation on healing. Lately I’ve been talking to clients about the healing practice of feeling like they deserve the good things they have or want in their lives, be they a loving relationship or nice home or even the simple ability to go to sleep at night without a litany of worries and tasks trampling their brain.

Many people grew up on homes where they were not told “I love you exactly the way you are.” Instead they were told directly or indirectly “you are loved only when you please me.” This earn-my-love message creates a belief that they are not worthy of esteem or success unless they are performing a task to benefit another person or agency/business.  This creates a people-pleasing workaholism that prevents them from developing true self worth.  The lack of self worth then creates anxiety, feelings of phoniness and unworthiness when good things do happen.

Self worth exists independent of our actions or their effect on others. It is an internal sense of value and dignity that alerts us if our boundaries are being violated and thus functions as a protective barrier. Self worth also allows us to give to and receive from other people comfortably. If we are valuable internally, we can “afford” to share our things because they are not overly precious. If we are valuable internally we can receive generosity from others because we are worthy of time, attention and material.

Many people worry that feeling good about themselves will make them selfish, that developing self worth will cause them to become socially abrasive or exploitive. In truth operating from a place of self worth will be off-putting to those who don’t have any. That’s because asking for what you want, meaning what you say, communicating directly and unapologetically is terribly threatening to people who don’t have internal permission to do the same. So as we develop self worth there is sometimes a readjustment of friends.

But becoming our own friend means that we actually have more compassion for others, more patience and generosity because we are no longer sinking our energy into trying to derive worth from others’ recognition of our effort (no one can possibly track our accomplishments all the time anyway).

For the New Year here is my wish for you:  Deserve the good stuff in your life. Deserve to change the not so good stuff. And if all this sounds like I’m speaking Swahili, get some help. You deserve that too.

 

In Praise of Advice

by Tanya Ruckstuhl-Valenti LICSW

In honor of the end of the year I wanted to write a blog that encapsulated my favorite mental health maxims, but I’m fighting a cold and between the hacking cough and the frequent nose-blowing I’m adjusting my expectations downward, so you’ll have to make do with just one (but it’s a good one).

Alfred Adler said there are just three tasks of adulthood: love, work and friendship. To know how true this is, reflect upon a time in your life when one or more of these areas were not flowing for you. Even if you are lucky enough to have other attributes that society applauds, a high IQ or lots of money or great athletic ability or a beautiful body or heck all of them, if you don’t feel secure in your love relationships your career or your social connections you aint got nothin’.

One of the primary differences I see between people who succeed in love and labor and friendships and those who do not is the capacity to humbly solicit and incorporate feedback. We live in a planet positively teeming with life. There are seven billion people out there (and counting!). And every one of us has a slightly different perspective. Perspectives that round out our own blind spots and intellectual and emotional shortcomings.

Do not be so arrogant as to believe that you alone have the wisdom to navigate the complexity of life. None of us do. And thank goodness! It would seem a terrible waste to crowd this many people on a planet (overpopulation concerns aside) with no upshot to the story. And so the upshot is: we grow our capacity to do anything and everything in direct proportion to our capacity to ask for feedback.

While we all have that still, small voice inside that we can turn to for guidance, we also have a big honking world all around us teeming with folks who have figured out stuff we didn’t even know was possible. Not to mention that plenty of folks have an inner voice that’s a total asshole and not capable of contributing productively towards overcoming one’s struggles.

So my New Years wish for you is this: ask for advice about anything that is important to you, particularly in the realms of love, work and friendship. And listen to advice that comes your way, even if it’s unsolicited. Be willing to listen to people you don’t consider overall examples of success. A homeless man in Minneapolis once told me “Disrespect will get you killed” which is mighty good advice.

Occasionally we will be the recipients of cruelty couched as advice and then we get to do the hard, good work of differentiating between the two. There is the pain of hearing something that is embarrassing to our egos but useful to our social functioning (my friend Kate once told me that the paint-splattered pants I wore out to dinner with her when I was on a painting jag “gave her trauma”—ouch!) which is different than a negative summary judgment of who we are (i.e. someone telling us “You are such an idiot”) which is not advice but insult.

Happy, advice-filled New Years to you all!