Good Risks, Good Rewards

by Tanya Ruckstuhl-Valenti LICSW, MSW

 What do bungee jumping, casual sex, and driving while texting all have in common?  They are risks that, for my money, are not worth the pay off. 

I once interviewed a fireman and asked him about the experience of fighting a fire. 

“We risk nothing for nothing, and everything for the important things,” he said. 

“What does that mean?”  I asked. 

“If the house is already totaled we don’t go inside risking roof collapse and injury or death to put it out, but rather contain it from a safe distance and let it burn out.  But if a child is trapped inside, we will risk our lives to save kids.”   

Unfortunately this analysis of risk and cost-benefit scrutiny is something that many people have some serious challenges practicing. 

As a result lots of folks engage in high-risk, low-reward behaviors while avoiding low-risk, high-reward behaviors.  

For a great example, let’s talk about socializing.  Making friends with new people can be an intimidating proposition.  In the back of many people’s mind plays this fear:  “What if they don’t like me?” 

Most of us have painful childhood memories of being left out, ridiculed or even hurt by others.  But now we are adults (thank goodness!) and have a much greater personal power and ability to shape our lives then we did as kids.  

You can respond to that old childhood fear “What if they don’t like me?” with this:  “Well, if they don’t like me they are not a good friendship candidate” (unless you are a masochist befriending a sadist).   It’s really quite simple.  Barring an attempt to make friends with a grumpy cannibal (which I do not recommend) there are very low risks from engaging in social outreach. 

Yet, the intensity of the fear of the pain of rejection keeps many people isolated. 

This is like avoiding the dentist for fear that from not going to the dentist in the past you might have cavities that need to be filled and that might hurt.  What happens?  Even if you don’t have cavities your oral hygiene is compromised and if you do have cavities they get bigger and more problematic from lack of treatment. 

In addition to negative internal dialogue, some people simply lack information about how to go about making friends.  For those folks I offer an easy three step skill-builder:

1. Study people in your life at work, school or home who socialize effortlessly.  Get to know the rhythm and cadence and flow of conversation.  Think of it like a ball that is bounced back and forth.  Or as a menu of topics that you and your friend can choose from.  Or a dance.   TV is not good for this exercise because the dialogue on television is scripted and therefore not realistic.  There are no awkward pauses on TV and there are plenty in real life, especially when you are first learning how to engage in social outreach.  

2. Identify three or so activities you enjoy such as going out for coffee, going for a walk, or watching a play.

3. Invite your potential friend for a specific activity on a specific date.  The vague social proposal, “we should get together sometime” is usually met by an equally vague “yeah.”  Followed by….absolutely nothing.   Much better is something specific such as, “I hear Stickypop theatre is doing a new play by that Pulitzer-prize winning playwright.  It’s about Zen Buddhist terrorists working for Santa Claus.  Would you be interested in going with me on Sunday?”

If these suggestions seem very hard consider therapy to address underlying issues that may be getting in your way. 

Keep in mind that unless your name is Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie and people fall all over themselves to get to know you, making new friends requires effort.  Fortunately that effort involves just three simple ingredients:  a person you want to get to know, an idea of something to do, and the willingness to initiate a social activity. 

Happy friend-finding! 

Options = Hope

By Tanya Ruckstuhl-Valenti LICSW, MSW

 

Holidays are a strange time of the year.  We all have these Norman Rockwell-type images floating around in our heads.  Our holiday fantasy usually looks something like this:  Families gathered snugly together to feast on delicious food, sharing laughter and drinks and great feeling of merriment, joyful holiday music in the background, beautiful decorations to delight the eye, and (miraculously mute) children frolicking in the yard contentedly.   

Unfortunately the reality is sometimes more like this: socially awkward moments of feeling disconnected to the very people we feel we “should” be most connected to, food that is either not that great tasting or so good as to inspire overeating as a coping mechanism to counter act anxiety, warring agendas regarding what to watch on television, cranky children, drunken family members, one person loudly obsessing about when precisely the pie should have but did not come out of the oven, another trying to sell memberships in their new Ponzi scheme. 

And even more difficult still is going through the holiday season without having a crazy family to be annoyed by.  People who are alone during the holidays often feel like The Little Match Girl, outside in the cold watching those lucky souls in warm and comfortable houses.  It’s one thing to be driven nuts by people who know you, but harder yet to be surrounded by the festive fervor and to feel isolated from it at the same time. 

Ah, the holidays!  It’s no wonder that depressed people get more depressed and anxious people get more anxious inside the twin pressure cookers of expectation and disappointment. 

Imagine buying a lottery ticket and telling yourself, “I absolutely must win and when I do I’m going to buy a cruise ship and a pony and if this ticket is not a winner I am a total loser.”  Can you recognize how unlikely a pleasing outcome would be? 

Regardless if you have crazy family members who make you wish to be an orphan or no family and are facing the challenge of how to fill the hours, the most important mental health booster you can engage in during this time of year is to focus on cultivating the little pleasures that you can be in charge of. 

For myself, I like to listen to schmaltzy Christmas CD’s, make lavender scented bath salts for my friends, assist my children in making hideously ugly gingerbread houses (they keep getting uglier each year: pretty soon we’ll be using them as Halloween decorations).  This year I’m adding going out dancing with some mom-friends to my holiday traditions. 

There are endless activities and rituals that can help you experience the expansive joy that holidays are all about, or to reconnect with your inner calm.  One of my friends goes out of town each year with her family so they can focus on sharing experience rather than things.  Another increases her twelve-step meeting attendance so she can surround herself at least part of the time with people who understand and support her recovery.  Another one volunteers at a soup kitchen to remind herself that service work is the best antidote to depression. 

Whatever helps you find your own sense of balance within the mad tornado of expectations and obligations—or within the empty time and loneliness—remember that you have options…and that as long as there are options, there is hope! 

 

What Good is it to Talk About Your Problems?

By Tanya Ruckstuhl-Valenti LICSW, MSW

 Have you ever wondered, “What good is it to talk about my problems?”

 Well, if all you do is complain without making personal changes, or insist that the only route to your happiness is the complete transformation of those around you, the answer is not only no good, but you may actually risk convincing yourself that:

1. You are powerless

And

2. Because you are powerless you are also entitled to special accommodations.

 These are not empowering or effective belief systems to nourish.  In fact they lead directly to isolation, resentment and despair, because quite frankly no one cares to be with someone who constantly demands to get their way. 

 But if you are talking about your problems with a therapist skilled in helping you identify, make sense of and tell your story —-you can quite literally change your reality as well as your nervous system.  Why?  Because human beings are emotionally and neurologically wired to process the experience of pain in the context of a relationship, in other words with another person.  Naming feelings literally calms the amygdale, the emotional center of the brain.

 You see this process naturally occurring with women who have just had a baby.  They will tell their birth story over and over because emotionally they have to.  And because giving birth is a developmentally typical and socially celebrated trauma, it is also shame-free.  (Plus there is the really cute little person that comes out of the whole thing).  Birthing is a trauma women process in community, among people who have been there and done that, and as a result they not only survive the physically painful experience, most women actually go on to intentionally repeat it several years later. 

If discussion of all traumas were as welcomed and celebrated, imagine the peace and joy and wellbeing human beings would enjoy.  Until then, there is therapy, there are quality friendships, and there are creative outlets such as writing, dancing, singing, playing musical instruments, and the like.  I recommend liberal use of friendships and creative outlets, and if that is not sufficient, please consider therapy. 

Terror is a Social Disease

I am currently reading “Reading Lolita in Tehran” the bestselling memoir by Azar Nafisi, an Iranian scholar who secretly gathered female students in her home to study western works of literature. 

During this time the Islamic Republic of Iran was arresting and executing citizens for charges as flimsy and innocuous as “Being Westernized, staying too long in Europe, smoking Winston cigarettes, displaying leftist tendencies.” 

  (a man unlikely to win any Nobel peace prizes)

The Ayatollah Khomeini proclaimed “Criminals should not be tried.  The trial of a criminal is against human rights.  Human rights demand that we should have killed them in the first place when it became known that they were criminals.”

In school, students were forced to trample the American flag each day while shouting “Death to America!”

How does a whole society—filled with sensitive as well as hard-hearted, educated as well as ignorant, principled as well as selfish people—fall prey to the murderous and oppressive dictates of a mono-maniacal leader?   

This widespread public insanity is not unique to Iran, nor to the extreme, fundamentalist brand of Islam being force fed to the Iranian public at that time. 

This phenomenon which I call the “Crazed Charismatic Leader” has happened throughout history and across the globe.  Consider Germany during WWII under Hitler.  Russia under Stalin.  Recall the communist revolutions in China and Cambodia, the Jonestown massacre, Charles Manson, Idi Amin. 

(My inner feminist requests to make this comment:  note the gender of the leader/perpetrators…)

The most effective way to ensure blind and heartless obedience by the masses is to perpetuate terror by the administration.  When people think that their lives or the lives of their families are at risk, they will do literally anything.   

This revolting truth applies to animals, not just people:  An appalling experiment in the 70’s proved that a primate mother locked in a cage with an electric floor will eventually will stand on her baby to protect herself. 

When we are truly terrified, we become primal, instinctual creatures with one overriding ambition: to survive.  Under the influence of terror we are unable to access the frontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for higher thinking, for assessing our behavior relative to our values, for perceiving the universality of the human condition and thus, unity with our fellow man. 

For this reason terror is a social disease more dangerous and contagious than any weapon.  My hope for the future is that leaders who are bullies are quickly spotted for the Neanderthal throw-backs they are and immediately removed from power. 

 

 

From Cockroaches to Cleaning Products

By Tanya Ruckstuhl-Valenti LICSW, MSW

                                                                     

Fifteen years ago I worked for Child Protective Services in Kansas City.  I’ll never forget one particular investigation I went on as a neophyte social worker.  The report alleged that the parents had an “unsafe home.” 

I drove out with the senior social worker.  It was summertime in Kansas and the sun was blazing hot.  We knocked on the door.  The mother who opened the door spoke in the accent of a person with a developmental disability. 

“He-woo?” she said, her greeting a question, her brow furrowed as to how to assimilate these two strangers at her door. 

We came inside the home, a converted garage.  The smell of body odor hung in the air thick as incense.  A mattress and pillows blackened with human grease lay on the floor.  We asked to see the refrigerator.  The sole item was a can of liquid infant formula.  It had a dead fly floating on the crust of it.  The woman explained that she diluted the formula, even though the can read in bold letters “DO NOT DILUTE.”  But the most horrifying detail of my memory was this:  a steady rain of live cockroaches climbed across the floor, up the walls and fell from the ceiling, one landing on my head and another on my shoulder. 

The baby was removed from her mother’s care. 

Eight years later I started collecting vacuum cleaners.  We went from owning the standard suburbanite fare of one vacuum and a Shop-Vac. to owning a full series of cordless vacuums, a hand-held cordless vacuum, and a spot-steamer, on top of our original two.  And then there were the mops:  a regular mop was joined by a high-performance German mop with a swivel head and microfiber cloth as well as a disposable Swifter mop. 

Why?  Because we had children. 

In each case I told myself we needed these tools.  I needed the Shark sweeper for daily carpet and floor maintenance.  I needed the hand held cordless to vacuum cheerios and cracker crumbs from the car.  I needed the steamer to cope with wet messes.  I needed the mops to keep the kitchen floor clean. 

But this wasn’t just about cleaning up after the children.  I believe my passionate need for clean floors came from the earlier trauma of the Cockroach Home, and my unconscious decision:

 Dirty Floors + Baby=Danger.   

If I were not willing to look beyond the surface of my behavior, mildly insane behavior I could readily justify with self-righteous indignation–“I’m trying to create a sanitary environment for Our Children!”–I would never understand why I had this clean floor compulsion. 

And if I didn’t understand why I had the compulsion I would not be where I am now: typing happily in a kitchen whose floor has not seen a mop in two weeks.   Hey, I’ve been busy. 

Awareness opens up space around behaviors, and space creates room for choice.

Often in therapy I ask individuals or couples about childhood experiences that are thematically connected to their adult conflicts.  It can be a hard question for people to answer, especially when they want to stick to the here-and-now. 

But think of it like this:  in every profession we study the past.  To be a good architect you need to know about the classical proportions worked out by ancient Greeks, about medieval and renaissance and mid century modernism as well as contemporary architecture.  

To be a good architect of your own life you need a current as well as a historical understanding. 

Warmth over Wit

By Tanya Ruckstuhl-Valenti LICSW

Last night I watched Wit, a beautiful film starring the superb Emma Thompson (who co-wrote the screenplay, adapted from the play by Margaret Edson). 

Wit explores the mental and emotional effects of medical trauma and end-of-life issues. 

In it, Ms. Thompson plays a professor of poetry undergoing radical chemotherapy for late stage cervical cancer.

The doctors, eager to use her as fodder for their oncology research, treat her as a medical experiment rather than a human being. 

In a way she too had been one of them:  a brilliant, highly educated woman who identified with and measured her success by the standards of academia: publication, tenure, and critical acclaim rather than by connection or humanity.   

It is the shortcomings of “wit,” or intellectual ability, that are played upon.

Over the course of the film her identity is reduced to patient, her success defined by the progression of chemotherapy and cancer.  

In isolation, she battles loneliness and fear by seeking solace in the holy sonnets of 17th century author John Donne  (surprizingly more effective than it sounds).

 The sole human comfort she finds in the hospital comes from the nurse, a woman less educated, supposedly inferior and subservient to the doctors and the medical establishment.  The nurse recognizes the humanity in her fellow human and protects her dignity. 

This movie is a reminder of what we need to cultivate both in life and the end of life: compassion, connection and comfort.  After all, death is our universal destination.  Until then, our lives are made sweeter by the grace, the love and the presence of others. 

Uncovering the Palette

 

Last night I was with my friends Noelle and Suzie, both therapists as well as wise, funny, good hearted women.  Suzie has the additional distinction of being an artist carried by several galleries across the country.  I call her my “famous artist friend.”  Suffice it to say when Suzie talks about her creative process, I am all ears. 

We were sitting around the kitchen table when Suzie said,

                “Sometimes I just uncover the palette.” 

                “What do you mean?”  I asked.   

                “It’s like creative coffee.  Just the smell of linseed oil and paint inspires and comforts me.”

Noelle said,

                “I’m like that with my running shoes.”  Noelle is one of those women who could run a marathon and then go out dancing.  My nickname for her is “hummingbird.”

                “What do you mean?”  I asked.    

                “I keep them by the front door and just looking at them reminds me of running,” Noelle said.   “It’s like just looking at the shoes are a reminder of the process of mastery,” Noelle went on to explain. 

Suzie and I nodded:  the paint for her, the computer for me.  We understood.

At one point Noelle was interested in running but was not yet a good runner.   She probably flailed and huffed and puffed like any beginner.  She kept on running until she got better and better.  That’s the development of mastery and it always starts lower than we would like it to. 

Now the shoes themselves serve as a visual reminder for that whole accomplishment, as well as an incentive to keep it up. 

Likewise Suzie was not born a painter but was interested in art.  She painted and kept painting until she became better and better.   Her early art probably did not foretell that in the future her paintings would sell for thousands of dollars, that she would have one-woman shows, that the galleries would court her like a southern debutante. 

Now the smell of paint reminds her of what she loves and keeps her eager to do more of it. 

The development of mastery gets short shrift in many people’s decision making about which creative outlets to explore.  We use our current ability as the litmus test for our future behavior, and in doing so limit our potential. 

How can you avoid this artistic pitfall?  One question to ask is, “What form of creative play would I do if I were guaranteed success?” 

Remember, we’re talking creative play here, not brain surgery.  Your abilities are absolutely not the point.  Engaging your interest and curiosity are. 

Now, go get your supplies.  Leave them lying about.  If your neat nick partner complains, you can blame me.  Go ahead:  Uncover the palette. 

Attention: If You Have Attention Deficit Disorder…

For those of you who have been following my blog (hello mom!) and are local to the Seattle area (sorry mom) you may be interested to know about a wonderful conference for people with Attention Deficit Disorder coming up next month, November 14th in Bellevue.  

It’s called “Acceptance Is Empowering,” and ADD Resources, a local nonprofit serving the needs of people with ADD and ADHD diagnosis as well as their partners and families is putting it on. 

I will be presenting “Stress Solutions: How to identify your blind spots and increase your skills” which should be informative as well as enjoyable—for me at least—stress management being one of my very favorite soap boxes. 

Stress management is extra tricky for our ADD friends who have higher levels of basal stress from the bombardment of data their overworked prefrontal cortex is continually trying to field.  I’ll be providing some of the latest neurological research as well as an array of effective stress management options. 

Besides yours truly, this conference is bringing in some big name ADD folks such as Ari Tuckman PsyD author of More Attention, Less Deficit and Gina Perra, author of Is It You, Me or Adult ADD?.  To sign up follow this link:  http://w3.addresources.org

Ten Commandments for a Better Brain

This weekend I attended a lecture by Bruce Lipton PhD, author of The Biology of Belief.   

Dr. Lipton showed FMRI’s (Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging–a way of taking a picture of what part of the brain is active) of the brain while playing Pac Man, that old 80’s game I personally spent many quarters not becoming  good at. 

While playing the game, whenever the ghost was far away—in other words, when the player was “safe”, the prefrontal cortex (the evolved, higher thinking, frontal portion of the brain) was active.  When the ghost was near and Pac Man was in danger, the hindbrain lit up on the MRI.

So what?  Just this: If something as inconsequential as a low-graphic video game can shift consciousness from smooth sailing to primal panic, what does that tell you about the need to be a strong guardian of the data you allow entry into your mind?  Our minds are vulnerable to any perceived threat, even a pixilated one. 

What’s more our subconscious, the hind brain has a nerve-impulse processing ability of a whopping forty million per second, while our conscious mind, the new and improved prefrontal cortex, has a nerve-impulse processing ability of a mere forty per second.  In other words our subconscious is literally one million times more efficient at processing data. 

This is why making changes in our belief system is so much work.

Therapy helps to make subconscious beliefs conscious.  Then consciously replacing habitual negative thought patterns with new ones is the next step. 

In honor of our dear friend, the prefrontal cortex, here are my very own 10 commandments of mental health:

1. Thou shall not engage in negative “what if” games in your mind.  (Do ANYTHING ELSE if you are bored).

2. Thou shall not watch crime shows nor horror movies.

3. Thou shall end emotionally abusive relationships at home, work or school. 

4. Thou shall refrain from Googling your potential medical conditions.

5. Thou shall leave yourself enough time to get to work, home, and social activities without having to drive like a bat out of hell.

6. Thou shall not run up thy credit cards for any reason whatsoever, no matter how great the price nor how cute the purse.

7. Thou shall not initiate any emotionally significant/conflict-laden conversations with thy loved ones after nine P.M., even on weekends. 

8. Thou shall not read books that center around abuse without resolution for the victim(s).

9. Thou shall not get thy news from sensationalistic media. 

10. Thou shall enter therapy for additional support if thou doth struggle with anxiety and/or depression.    

Trauma and EMDR

In the EMDR world, we believe that trauma involves two things:  What happened and what decisions we make about ourselves relative to what happened. 

For example 9-11 traumatized many people across the entire nation.  It wasn’t just the random acts of violence, the destruction, and the fact that it was the first time since Pearl Harbor that our country has been attacked on its own soil. 

It was also that the decision “I’m not safe” became a common mantra. 

How useful is that decision? 

It can be very useful when we are crossing a busy street, causing us to look for a crosswalk, follow the lights, and scan for speeding or weaving cars. 

In other words, when we can DO something about it, safety decisions are very useful.  When we can’t do anything about it, safety decisions are like walking around with a big thorn in our foot. 

EMDR helps people unpack their perceptive and decision making process and discover new, healthier beliefs and decisions.