How to Break Up with Your Therapist

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By Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

I tend to do long-term therapy work with people. A result of specializing in trauma survivors: they usually need support for a long time before they can even trust me enough to go into the depth of pain they come from. Within the framework of long-term therapy, I try to keep frequency at the minimum effective dose: weekly if they are struggling or just need a strong routine of mental health support to stay functional, twice weekly if they are in crisis, and every other week if they are doing well but still want the structure and accountability of our appointments to stay focused on their mental health and personal growth.  

Sometimes folks are reluctant to reduce therapy frequency, worried that if they do well that means they no longer deserve support or—even worse—that only by suffering will they get attention.  I try and move gingerly when suggesting to a patient they can reduce their frequency, lest they feel rejected or dumped. Over the years, sometimes I’ve done this too forcefully and hurt people’s feelings when what I really meant to do was to highlight: “Look how well you are doing! Yay! You don’t need me as much anymore!”

This article is to help you break up with your therapist.  That way YOU are in charge! There are many reasons for a therapy relationship to end, from happy (you are doing well and ready to navigate things on your own) to sad (this therapist sucks) to anything in between.

Let’s start with therapist red-flags. Please end your therapy relationship right away if you feel your therapist is not genuinely and intelligently trying to understand you, or if they are treating you in a way that seems disrespectful or inappropriate. A therapist should never make you feel responsible for their feelings. And they should NEVER try to turn you into their friend or sexual partner.  If your therapist has behaved in an unethical way (ie: made sexual advances on you, tried to hang out with you outside of therapy, discussed other clients with you), please report them to the department of licensing (In Washington State contact Health Systems Quality Assurance (HSQA) Customer Service Center at 360-236-4700) thus protecting other people from this dangerous person.

Pink flags: Your therapist should remember your scheduled sessions and be timely. Everyone occasionally makes scheduling mistakes, but they should not be a regular occurrence. If they occasionally run late for your session, they should make up the time by extending the end of the session, unless they have allowed your session to run late other times. You should be the focal point of therapy. Your therapy session is not a back-and-forth check-in about your life and theirs: You should not know as much about your therapist as they know about you, because you are paying for their focused attention and not vice versa.

Just like when dating, if you think “maybe this isn’t a good fit?” it’s probably NOT. Cut your losses and find another therapist. This is not to say dump your therapist if they ever piss you off: in good quality therapy, you WILL have moments when your therapist says something provocative in a way that might initially upset you but also makes you to think about your behavior/boundaries/expectations differently. That’s not a reason to stop therapy. I’m suggesting that if you are experiencing a pattern of feeling disappointed, misunderstood, or demeaned by your therapist: break up.

When you are ready to stop seeing your therapist, here are some things you could say.

1. “I’ve decided to go in a different direction from our therapy.” You would then usually have a conversation about what you will be doing instead, which might be anything from pursuing a different form of personal growth to taking time off from therapy.

Another explanation could be

• “I’ve decided to take the time and money I’ve been spending on therapy and do more fun things with it.” Imagine how many cool classes you could take or art supplies/books/plants you could buy with your therapy dollars if they are not being well spent!  Therapy is usually not fun, but when done well, it’s a worthy and useful expense. If it doesn’t seem worth it, take that money, and do something that makes you happy.

An easy thing to say is

• “I’ve decided to take a break from therapy.” Many of my clients take breaks and come back when life gets challenging.  Some work with me for a long or short while, and then take a break due to any number of reasons: first and best, because they are doing well, but they might take a break due to the complexity of their lives, travel or work or parenting commitments, finances, or just because they want to prove to themselves that they can take our clinical work into the laboratory of their own lives. Remember, that therapy is to help YOU. Not vice versa. You haven’t signed a contract with your therapist and you do not owe them your continued support.

What if you are breaking up because your therapist really sucks? Should you tell them what they have been doing wrong? If you feel confident that your therapist can treat your feedback with respect, then offer it! If it would be empowering for you regardless of how your therapist responds, then yes. You can even start with “I don’t like the way you’ve been treating me and here are some specific examples…” However, you don’t owe your therapist feedback about what they did wrong if they have been treating you poorly. If they were dismissive/disrespectful while you are a current client, they are unlikely to take criticism constructively because…they are an asshole not interpersonally healthy.

Hopefully you will never have to break up with a bad therapist. My wish for you is that you will have good therapy experiences, and you will take breaks or end therapy in a peaceful and supported manner. Sadly, numerous clients have genuine emotional trauma from prior therapists, so it’s always a good idea to know how to end the therapy relationship. Drop me a comment, and let me know how it goes! 

Wintertime Survival Strategies

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By Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

I moved to Seattle in 1997, so I have been here—as my kids would say—a “fat minute.” There are a few foods, activities, and products that make life better in the wintertime that I have listed here: We need all the help we can get when the skies are gray and will be so for a long, long time.

1. Sun-a-Lux combo therapy light box: all winter long, I spend the first half an hour to 45 minutes of the day in front of mine, and it helps me feel more energetic. http://www.solarhome.org/browseproducts/SUN-A-LUX-reg;-Combo-Light-Therapy-Box-with-new-Blue-Lux–153;-Technology.html
2. Eufy robotic vacuum: I’m a robotic vacuum geek. Between kids and two dogs with a dog door and a husband, I need the floor cleaned daily.  I’ve had the Roomba, the Shark, the RoboRock, but the Eufy is cheaper and just as good. Warning: never preprogram your robotic vacuums because at least on one occasion, a vacuum that could not dock started a house fire when the lithium battery overheated while the owners were out of town.  Just turn it on when you are around and stay out of its way.
3. Houseplants: in the winter, go to the nursery or hardware store and buy yourself some beautiful houseplants and some lovely ceramic pots to put them in. Even if you have a brown thumb, you will figure it out eventually.  You may need to get a plant light in the winter depending on your window situation.
4. Hamilton Beach single serving coffee maker: Ever since a scientifically knowledgeable girlfriend told me that bottom-heated coffee makers create methylxanthine’s, a volatile chemical compound associated with breast cancer in women, I make single serving coffee, but NOT with a Keurig, because they are environmental disasters.
5. Vitamin D: the Pacific Northwest has one of the highest rates of MS (multiple sclerosis) in the world, and one possible reason is the lack of vitamin D. Consider it an immune system assist.
6. Good Quality Fish Oil: I use Jarrow EPA-DHA Balance formula. There is some research suggesting that fish oil helps with myelinization of the dendrites in our brains, making the chemical messaging more efficient. It is also associated with healthier joints.
7. Green, leafy vegetables: I try to eat Kale or spinach every day. They—like all leafy greens–are anti-inflammatory and associated with a reduction in depression. Get yourself a kick-a*& kale recipe like this one: https://www.femalefoodie.com/recipes/chelseas-kitchen-kale-salad-recipe-hack/  Even if you think you don’t like kale, one bite of this vegetable heaven will make you a believer.
8. A rain hat: okay they look goofy as hell, but if you can go for a walk in the rain and keep your head and face dry, you are more likely to get out there no matter what the weather. And if you are like me, we keep one hand on a cup of coffee when we walk so don’t want to have the other hand holding an umbrella. Embrace your dorkish side!  Be comfortable.
9. A cheap winter getaway. Here in Seattle, Palm Springs is only a 2 ½ hour flight and if you book your tickets in advance, costs around two hundred bucks round trip on Alaska Airlines. You can find affordable Airbnb’s or hotels if you avoid the Coachella/Stage Coach/Indian Wells Tennis Tournament weekends. Yes most of the restaurants there are mostly lousy (not all of them: Vicky’s in Rancho Mirage is wonderful and they have the best house band, and Farm has great food and magical ambiance) but Palm Springs is not the place for culture it’s for….Sun!

So that is my list. What are your favorite wintertime survival strategies?

An Open Letter to Parents: After a School Shooting

By Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

One of the most horrifying events has happened. Your child attends a school where there has been a shooting. Someone is dead. Someone else is responsible. Within this awful reality, you and your child are navigating the emotions of fear, anger, loss and trying to find a path forward.

This letter is to help you as a parent be as supportive and emotionally available as possible so that your child can feel safer and function better.

In the wake of trauma, it is normal to feel terrified, exhausted, furious and even numb, or as if nothing is real.

Imagine that a traumatic event is like a surge of electricity and that this surge pops the circuit of our mind’s normal ability to process reality.

You can expect the following behaviors from your child: they may regress in independence. They may want you to make them food or even cuddle them the way you did when they were younger. It is normal and helpful for your child to receive extra love, care, and declarations of support. If your child wants to sleep on the floor of your bedroom, this is a perfectly reasonable thing to do right now.

Alternately, they might also pull back, shut down and even direct their anger at you for expressing concern. If this happens, try not to take it personally and instead imagine that they are telling you through their behavior, “Right now I need to avoid or release pent up distress about the event.”

They may have a greater need to be in touch with other classmates and friends at this time. While you can maintain whatever rules you already have regarding screen time and social media access, you may consider liberalizing those rules for the next three weeks by allowing your child to text, Snap and Discord more frequently to process their experience with others.

Your child may have a harder time attending to school work, and may neglect homework or studying. Teachers understand that in the wake of school shootings, it is harder to focus and learn. You can reach out to your child’s teacher to make accommodations if necessary.

It is normal for your child to want to talk about what they heard/felt/and are thinking about now. If you have difficulty listening to your child talk about this event, consider getting help for yourself and/or making sure your child has a trusted adult to talk about it with.

If your child seems extra sleepy that is normal as well, but if they are neglecting to eat, shower or they are staying in bed all day, that would be a strong indicator that they need additional help and could benefit from talking to a therapist.

Additionally if they cannot sleep and this does not resolve within a few days, they may need additional support.

Above all, remember that help is available and neither you nor your child should have to navigate this scary and traumatic time alone.

Road To Relationship

I’m so excited to announce a new monthly class I’m offering with two of my favorite humans in the world: Road to Relationship will be an educational group for personal-growth minded singles who are not fully satisfied with their online dating experiences. We will be talking about communication skills, setting boundaries, appropriate expectations, etc…

Check this out https://roadtorelationship.com/ and if you know anyone who might be interested and lives in the Seattle area, please forward this to them!

Thank you!

Tanya Ruckstuhl

Half-Assed Project Completion

By Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

(I would insert a photo of the newly repainted furniture here–but I’m too lazy. You’re just going to have to imagine it. It’s dark brown).

I have a friend who refinishes furniture as a hobby. She and her husband go to rural antique stores and buy beat-up wooden furniture and bring them home and sand them down and stain and seal them. Her therapy office has gorgeous antiques that glow a golden polyurethane light.

My office, meanwhile, has Craigslist finds that I’ve tucked in higgledy-piggledy that are replete with water stains and scratches.

Every once in a while, I notice how beat up my furniture looks and hatch a plot. I will empty my bookcase and side table, bring them home and sand and re-stain them. But the thing is, I never actually do anything about it.  My book case is an unwieldy China hutch that has heavy glass doors that do not come out and last time it was moved, the guy I bought it from nearly lost a hand when the glass door swung over and slammed into it.

This past month I’ve been reading “Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things” by Randy Frost and Gail Steketee. It’s about hoarding, anxiety, perfectionism and obsessive-compulsive disorder and this book has motivated me to be more half-assed in my approach to non-consequential tasks.  Much of hoarding can be understood as avoidance of making decisions due to fear of imperfection/regret.  If you can think through options like “if I miss this thing, I can buy another on Amazon and have it within 48 hours—and get even a better version of it,” or “even if I make the wrong decision about this, it’s no big deal,” you might find it easier to edit, or like me, decide to try to do something you are not excellent at.  

None of my clients really care about my furniture. If they did, they wouldn’t be my clients because my furniture is—well– ratty. So, the condition of the furniture hasn’t affected my work life (which would be consequential), but it bums me out because it looks bad. Taking my new anti-perfectionist commitment to half-assery to heart, this evening I simply brought the refinishing supplies to the office. I sanded, wiped with rags, and stained just the tops of the breakfront and the side table, ignoring all the other sides. I spilled a little wood stain on the carpet and in spite of wearing gloves, managed to get some of the stain on my hands. That’s okay. All in all, the whole thing took about ten minutes to gather supplies at home, ten minutes to do the work at the office, and another five minutes to throw out the roller brush and put away the sanding and painting supplies afterwards. The finished product would make anyone with legitimate furniture refinishing skills (or OCD) cringe and shudder, but for my purposes, it’s great: the furniture looks better, it was easy to do, and most important of all; it’s done, aka not taking up space in my brain anymore.

This summer I embrace H.A.P.C. or Half-Assed Project-Completion whenever possible! I hope you will join me and relish in your own triumph over procrastination!

Redundancy Redux

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by Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

I recently flew internationally and noticed a few things. First of all, the redundancy. Redundancy is not a bad thing. We have two lungs and two livers and two eyes and two ears, all in case one fails/is damaged. Engineers design for redundancy so that if one safety feature fails, another can take over.

But redundancy is annoying and extremely time consuming. To fly: first show proof of negative Covid test and vaccination and identification at the departure point at check in. Then show identification and have our bodies and carry-ons x-rayed to go through security to get to the gate. Then, show our identification and ticket to get on the plane. At disembarkation, show identification, proof of negative Covid test, have luggage checked and provide declarations of what we are bringing in or back. All of this adds about another six hours to travel time. But it’s for safety. Each of these individual steps are to ensure that the traveler is safe for the airline employees and fellow travelers to be around. They are not infected or carrying dangerous weapons or contraband.

Our brains have two systems that constantly scan for safety and make the TSA look like slackers.  They are the limbic system and the amygdala, and they have one question that reverberates in all novel situations: Am I in danger? These parts reside in our hindbrain, the old brain, the part that was around when we lived in tribes and met up with other tribes in order to trade and/or mate and/or raid and/or murder one another.  Opportunity and danger have always been twinned together.

I’ve been an eager observer and cheerleader of the Me-Too movement and its goal to increase the safety and justice for my kind: girls and women. I am an unapologetic feminist. Females are physically smaller than males. We are less strong. We are less violence prone. Each person’s safety is every person’s responsibility. The vulnerable require and deserve special protections if we want to earn the claim of being a civilized society.

But I’ve been concerned, as a mother of males, as a lover of humankind, as someone who holds fairness as my apex value, how there is now a primitive tendency to frame all uncomfortable or awkward sexual situations as the result of predatory male behavior.

Young people are dumb, dumb, dumb. Literally, as in the old English word dumb, meaning “temporarily unable to speak.” They don’t know how to ask for what they want, identify their emotional needs, set boundaries, to say yes or no in a clear and consistent manner, give or receive honest and constructive feedback, because…they don’t know.  And they have to develop self-awareness and figure out how to communicate these important bits of information by bumbling around, just like we all do.

This lack of ability to speak up effects all genders, and blaming one gender for every mis-attunement is outright unfair. It’s just as toxic as blaming rape victims for looking attractive, or asylum-seeking political refugees for being illegals.

I think we need a greater redundancy system around sexual consent. Especially because boys first and primary exposure to adult sex is via online porn. Porn is expectation poison because it depicts penetration-focused, male-dominance, clitorally ignorant sex that is exactly the opposite of mutually pleasuring, consensual physical contact. Female porn stars are actors. They are pretending to enjoy it. Just like any other actor they are paid to pretend. Entertainment is not reality. Those radio love songs about perfection and adoration don’t depict an actual relationship. Freddy Kruger is not real. King Kong doesn’t exist. And porn is insidiously fake.

Young people need to be willing to ask permission before touching, to ask before progressing from one type of touch to another, and to ask questions like “what feels good to you?” so that sexual exploration is safe and consensual. This also removes the pressure from one party (usually the male) to somehow psychically know what the other party (usually the female) wants. Remember, young people are dumb!  They need extra words between them, and extra time to find their own truth.

All of adulthood is a master class in balancing one’s personal agenda against the validity and importance of other people’s agenda. Our boss, our kids, our spouse, our pets, our friends, and our various community commitments all have agendas for our time and activities.  What we want or need is not always in harmony with these other sources of demands.

We navigate these tensions via communication.  We acknowledge when we can’t fulfill a commitment we have made. We apologize when we disappoint someone who relies on us. We figure out when to end a relationship with an overly needy or demanding person. We suck it up and do what is asked of us when that seems like the important or appropriate thing to do. We take care of our own needs even when it’s inconvenient for the people around us.

I propose more words, more checking in, more time spent planning before acting on sexual impulse. Redundancy shouldn’t just be for fuddy-duddy engineers or bureaucrats or organs. We need consent redundancy.

Dog Lessons

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by Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

Today I am writing about dogs. I used to have this sweet, traumatized rescue dog named Odie. We got Odie when the twins were eight years old. We had prepared for months, watching Caesar Milan dog training videos and discussing principles of behavior training, the importance of exercise and how to use treats to reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior to extinguish it according to the principles of operant conditioning. I felt well prepared to use my graduate school education and earnestly thought my state certification as a child mental health specialist would apply neatly to dog parenting.

Odie came from a home where he had been so neglected that when he first joined us, he couldn’t walk around the block without sounding like he was having an asthma attack. He licked the fur on the tops of his paws clean off. He licked the glass of the backdoor until his salvia etched it into a permanently cloudy surface.

Whenever someone came over or I talked on the phone, he would rocket out the doggie door into the backyard and leap up repeatedly against the door and bark as if the hounds of hell were on his tail.

When company came over, he would take out his girlfriend/dog bed and vigorously hump it in the middle of the gathering.  Having been neutered did nothing to deter his motivation.

I did all I could think of to help Odie become a better-behaved dog. I got him a variety of treats. Sprayed bitter apple spray on the back door. Held and petted and walked him daily. Tried picking him up when he was misbehaving, as well as leaving him alone, as well as putting him in time out in another room, as well as distracting him with toys.

I wish this were a story where my persistence and patience resulted in the eradication of these whacked out behaviors, but it is not. Instead, I changed. I became less distressed when he came back in through the doggie door with saliva streaming down his chin. I learned to leave the room when I made or received a phone call so the person on the other end wouldn’t have to worry that we were beating our dog. I learned to take less personally his pillow humping during social gatherings. Odie taught me high strung, traumatized dogs don’t necessarily get better.

This spring, Odie was killed by Coyotes. It happened early in the morning, before I woke up. I found his collar and a significant amount of blood in the backyard, and later found his skull under a sage bush.

There is a mathematical equation that equals the exact amount of time each of us gets on earth, but no one knows the value of any of the variables. It’s only when their time is up that we know how much time we had with our human and non-human beloveds.

Hedonic adaptation is the psychological term that describes the common tragedy of developing a tolerance for, and then subsequently ignoring, every single familiar source of joy in our lives. We forget to notice the beauty of the garden, the sweetness of ice cream, the scent of our child’s scalp, the warmth of our spouse’s sleeping body. It takes conscious effort to fight the development of immunity to joy.

Dogs never develop hedonic adaptation. They eat their treats with gusto every single time. They greet us with total focused enthusiasm. Odie, as crazy as he was, celebrated each family member with sniffs and licks and tail wags and demands for belly scratching. He had terrible breath and was banned from dog gatherings and destroyed the back door and was still the sweetest, most loving creature. Flawed is not unlovable.

Flowers

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Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

Spring is a special time in the Pacific Northwest. It starts with the puffy white cherry blossoms in late February. Then in March the pink magnolia trees bloom and from April on there is a riot of color: red tulips, yellow daffodils, fuchsia camellias, orange rhododendrons, pink azaleas and purple irises. Every empty patch of dirt is overrun with pretty little blue forget-me-nots. Now, even if the skies are gray the ground is a festival of color. We get more and more sunny days. Everyone’s mood lightens.

It seems like spring is the makeup kiss nature offers us for fighting through the darkness of winter.  During the dark, cold months its easy to forget this beauty is on its way.   

Spring comes regardless of our ability to anticipate it.  And so too the overbaked dryness of summer, the wet and windy autumn, and the dark, chilly winter.

American culture is obsessed with the good-time parts of life. Vapid reality shows feature small-minded hotties who have youth, beauty, fame—all the short lived, spring-like parts of existence. (no offense to the flowers—I’d take the companionship of a peony over a Kardashian any day).

The thing about spring is it cannot go on forever. Flowers are plants in heat, spring is a reproductive cycle that costs all the plant’s energy to put on this fancy show once a year. After flowering, the plant must rest and put energy into photosynthesis, growth and roots.

It is natural to delight in the parts of life that are bright and beautiful. We just need to remember that flowers, beauty and youth are all part of a cycle that includes dormancy, decay and death.  What goes on below the surface, at the root level is what ultimately determines the health and longevity of plants and people.

Hold Fast

By Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

It is mid-February and the nonmigratory hummingbirds have lost all their natural food sources.  I make nectar and fill the feeders, feeling sorry for the little guys.  They are tiny and live outside in the cold and have no food.  The skies are gray, the air is frigid, and the news a continual cycle of body counts and doom. Even the trees looked depressed with their mossy bare branches scratching the sky.  Covid seems to have lasted for fifty years and we now have new variants to worry about. Youth suicide up. Employment is down.  

And things are about to get better. We have two and soon will have three vaccines. Spring is coming. Those naked tree branches have tiny buds that will burst into leaves and flowers. The sun will come out. The spring flowers will bloom: daffodils, tulips and crocuses.

If you are despairing, take a deep breath and wait. Remember what you look forward to and imagine what it’s like to enjoy it.

If you are depressed, remember that practicing gratitude—even if you don’t feel like it—especially when you don’t feel like it—helps. Always.

Get outside and move.  Clean up a messy part of your house/room/garage/car. Play some saucy music and dance. Read a wonderful novel by your favorite author. Take a bath. Learn how to do something on YouTube. Solve one small problem you have been avoiding.

During the best of times, this part of the year in this part of the world sucks donkey butt. This year the donkey butt-ness is especially awful. Just remember: it’s about to get better. Don’t give up. We are in this together, even while physically apart. And soon we will be able to gather together–friends and family–and tell stories of our survival. Hold fast.

Phases of Healing

Tanya Ruckstuhl LICSW

Back in the late 60’s, Swiss psychiatrist and kick ass trail blazer Elisabeth Kubler Ross developed the five stages of grief through her work with terminally ill patients coming to terms with their own death. Those phases have since been applied to everything from death to divorce to disappointment. The five phases are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This framework for sorrow helps normalize and make some sense of the pain of loss.

In my work with trauma survivors, I’ve also noticed recurring patterns of healing.  The first phase is Rigidity and Anger. These are folks who need things just exactly so in their lives. They are often highly productive but not personable. Trauma survivors in this phase usually have more projects than friendships. They are usually workaholics because they don’t trust anyone else’s contributions. They often drop out of therapy because they are not ready for the vulnerability of being seen or having any part of their thinking or behavior challenged.

When the strategy of avoiding feeling by staying busy no longer works due to exhaustion or becoming healthy enough to start feeling the pain left by childhood trauma, trauma survivors enter the Anxiety Free Fall phase. In Anxiety Free Fall there is tremendous fear about future events, personal safety, loved ones, medical and economic vulnerability. They are downright creative in coming up with things to worry about!  They face a constant feeling of looming and inescapable disaster. People in anxiety free fall often seek therapy to relieve the discomfort from finally feeling.

Then comes the hardest phase: Shame and Self-Hatred. Just as rigidity/anger functions as an armor protecting survivors from the anxiety free fall, anxiety is a distraction (ironically a protection) against the underlying pattern of shame and self-hatred.

Why do abused or neglected children learn to hate themselves? First, let’s look at the world at large. Unlike an American courtroom where you are innocent until proven guilty, in the world at large you (and me, and everyone) are irrelevant until proven useful, or interesting, or attractive in some way. Strangers might care about others from of the goodness of their hearts, out of general care for the welfare of our fellow wo(man), but these strangers don’t actually know you enough to care about you personally. The focus of our caring starts with those we know the best, and moves out in concentric circles of distance. We feel the most investment in the wellbeing of those who we personally feel connected to.

This pattern of tribalism is okay as long as everyone is born into a household where they are flat out adored just for showing up on the planet. In a reasonably healthy family, each and every baby is the best thing that ever existed. Every child is a source of delight and wonder. This experience of being precious, worthy, special, smart and beautiful in one’s family is the counterbalance to the world at large, which says “you don’t matter until you prove your value.”

In families that are deeply unhealthy, babies are not adored. Children are a burden. And they are told this in a number of ways: rough handling, resentful or bored facial expressions, lack of touch, ignoring, screaming, pinching, hitting, etc.

An un-adored baby in a world of prove-your-worth is filled with a sense of emptiness and insecurity. There’s no tap root of knowing “I’m special” inside that person to counterbalance the world’s apathy.

That’s the bad news. The good news is that we can all move towards the phase of Healing. Just as the deepest wounds are inflicted relationally–by the very people who are supposed to take care of us–the deepest healing also comes this way. In a healthy love relationship, people develop a sense of personal value. They discover that they matter to another person, and that allows them to matter to themselves. This is a slow process because it’s a total change in personal identity.  Evidence of healing is both internal and behavioral:  they take less dangerous risks but more emotional risks. They take breaks from work, protect time to sleep, eat vegetables.  As they discover that they are lovable even while being imperfect, they stop hyper focusing on their own and other people’s flaws. (Which reminds me of the perfect bumper sticker I saw this week: “Proud parent of a great kid who can occasionally be an asshole and that’s okay”)

In a healthy relationship—which can be love, friendship, therapy or any combination of the three–we can reprogram our sense of value from “nothing” to “special.” Not everyone will feel this way about us. In fact, most of them won’t give us a second thought. Because they don’t know us well enough to have an opinion.  Pop culture aside, we cannot and do not need to impress everyone. We just need to *adore* ourselves, and hopefully, have a few other folks in our lives who join our fan club, as we also join theirs.